The Ultimate End




    Bill was kicking babies when he heard a sound.
    “SCREEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAACHTK!”
    “What could that noise possibly be?” Wondered Bill. Then, a tree came up, looked into his face, opened it’s huge wooden mouth, and screamed.
    “SCREEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAACHTK!”
    Then the tree ran away and hid in a hole. “There must be something wrong here, everything just feels weird. Though I can’t tell what it is...” Said Bill’s forever wondering mind as squirrels nearby were eating each other’s faces off.
    Suddenly, a cougar came out of the sky and fell on top of him.
    “OH MY GOD! THERE’S A @#$%EN COUGAR ON ME! I’M GONNA DIE! I DON’T WANNA DIE! I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! I HAVEN’T SEEN ALL MY FAVORITE MOVIE’S ONE HUNDRED TIMES OVER YET! I’M ONLY 50,678! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! WHAT DID I DO WRONG!? IF IT’S THE CANDY I STOLE FROM THAT THREE YEAR OLD, I’LL GIVE IT BACK, I SWEAR! I HAVE ANIMALS TO FEED! I HAVE A WIFE AND TWO PIGS, WHO’S GOING TO FEED THEM IF I DIE?! THERE GOING TO STARVE! I HAVEN’T RODE AN ELEPHANT YET! I HAVEN’T BEEN ON NATIONAL TELEVISION YET! I HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN A REAL LIVE CHICKEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE! I’VE ONLY SEEN ONE ON THE TV’S! EVERY MAN’S GOTTA SEE A REAL LIVE CHICKEN BEFORE HE DIES! ITS LIKE A LAW OR SOMETHING! I HAVE A GARDEN TO TAKE CARE OF, TOO! WHO’S GOING TO WATER THOSE POOR FLOWERS?! MY DEAD STARVED WIFE?!?! MY LITTLE DANDELIONS ARE GOING TO GO DRY UP AND FALL! I’VE BEEN GROWING THEM FOR OVER 20 YEARS! 20 ENTIRE YEARS! WHO’S GONNA BRING MY PRECIOUS DANDELIONS INSIDE WHEN WINTER COMES?! THEY CAN’T LIVE OUT THERE IN THE HARSH COLD WINTER! IT’LL KILL THEM! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! WHY?! HOW COME I’M GOING TO DIE LIKE THIS?! WHY NOT IN A PROUD WAY, LIKE DYING IN COMBAT, DYING FOR SOMETHING THAT I STAND FOR! WHAT IS A WORSE WAY TO TAKE A MAN’S PRIDE THAN MAKING HIM BE KILLED BY A STUPID CREATURE LIKE A COUGAR! WHAT OTHER WAY!? I DON’T WANNA DIE LIKE THIS! NOT LIKE THIS! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Said Bill calmly.
    The cougar rolled off of him and died.
    “Oh, I’m alive.” said Bill, and went on with what he was doing.
    The universe will end in ten minutes.
    Bill walked up to a piece of pie. “Hi pie.”
    “Hi Bill.” said the pie.
    The universe will end in five minutes.
    Bill stubbed his toe. “Ow.”
    The universe will end in three minutes.
    Bill slapped a monkey. “That wasn’t very nice!” Scolded the monkey’s mom.
    “I’m sorry.” Said Bill, even though he wasn’t. That little monkey stole his breakfast!
    The universe will end in 1 minute.
    “WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?!?!” Screamed Bill’s wife as Bill brought a dead hippo into the house. “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BRINGING DEAD HIPPO’S INTO THE HOUSE?!?!
    “That they would get the floor’s dirty and make the place stink...” Mumbled Bill.
    Then the universe exploded. Then imploded. Then exploded. Then imploded. Then exploded. Then imploded. Then exploded. Then imploded. Then exploded. Then imploded. Then exploded. Then imploded. Then exploded. Then imploded. Then it did a back flip. Then exploded. Then imploded. And then it died.
    “Gosh darn.” Said a little boy older than the universe itself as he starred into an empty pitch black bowl. “Me entertainment’s over.” Then the little boy pocketed the bowl and left to go eat some tacos.