"Tubly Stumpelton's Quest for the True Meaning of Love"





It all started with Tubly Stumpelton the intellectual philosopher. Tubly was about to get married to someone that went by the name of Stue Ped. She had no middle name. The day before his marriage, Tubly was meditating in a very philosophical meditating way, when he found one problem with the marriage: He did not really know what love truly was!
“How horribly humiliating it would be for a philosopher to marry if he does not know what love is! All the other philosophers would laugh at me, and I’d be the most unpopular philosopher of them all!”
So, that night he crept out of the house and left a note for his dear wife.
“Dear Stue Ped, I am sorry to inform you that I have left to find the true meaning of love. I cannot marry until unravel its secrets. If I come back alive, I hope that you would someday be Mrs. Stue Ped  Stumpelton; but for now you will have to wait.”
Stue Ped read it and started weeping, and then she stuffed the paper in her mouth. She had a horrible disorder of eating while crying.
Tubly was walking the dark streets when a group-o-gang bangers came up to him. They smelled like ugly fish.
“Look, I don’t want any trouble, I just need some transportation.” Stammered Tubly
“We want yo’ money!” Said a very gangly gang banger. (Get it? GANGly. GANG banger!)
“But I don’t have any!”
“Um...” Thought the gang bangers. Their little minds never thought about that as a possibility, and they didn’t know what to do about it.
“I guess we could just still beat him up. Maybe money might fly out of him or sumthin’.” Said one.
“Yeah, or maybe his blood is MADE out of money!” Said another.
They all seemed to think the idea as very likely possibility. (They weren’t very edumicated.)
“Oh crap.” Said Tubly, and ran for his life. The gang caught up and started beating down of him.
Suddenly, a hobo flew from the sky in a cardboard box and crashed into them, sending them all crashing into alternate dimensions. The hobo climbed out of his box and started yelping with joy.
“IT WORKS! FINALY! I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FIX THIS THING FOR LIKE FIVE HOURS!”
The hobo turns and sees the confused look on our Tubly’s face.
“Had a minor accident with a plane, you see.” He explained. “This box here broke, but I was lucky to make it out of that alive, so I ain’t complainin’. Any way, she flying again now, so it all worked out.”
“Dear sir, I thank you for saving my life and all, but I do believe I deserve a better explanation than that.” Said Tubly. “No offense.”
The Hobo laughed. “No offense taken. I see your just a mere home person, so your ignorance for these kind of things is excused. You see, us hobos hold secrets that you would never think possible, with all yer science and yer “laws o’ fisies” ‘er whatever they call it now ‘n days. This here beauty;” The hobo tapped the box with his foot. “Can go an entire 750mph. Had to practically kill the other hobos to get it. Worth every scratch n’ punch, tho’.”
Even though Tubly didn’t quite understand the entire situation, he knew good transportation when he saw it. “How much to ride it?”
This made The Hobo laugh even harder. “Monies? You tryin’ to bribe me with monies boy? Psh. Home owners. How typicals. No, I don’t have any use for yer mortal monies. I need something else, something you can’t buy. What I want... is a walkin’ stick!”
“Erm...” Began Tubly.
“But not just ANY walking stick! I need one that has wonderful carvings. Naturally made carvings of dragons and knights in armor, naturally laced with silver and gold, with diamonds along the edges that were naturally there in the first place. Remember, it has to ALL be natural!”
So, Tubly went to find The Hobo’s walking stick.
“How on earth can you possible find something like that made NATURALLY?! Even if you do find that lying around, it HAS to be man made!”
Then Tubly stumbled into a tree that had a branch with natural carvings of dragons and knights of armor naturally laced with silver and gold and naturally had diamonds along the edges.
“Oh, there’s one.” Said Tubly while he broke it off the tree.
He gave it to The Hobo.
“Now, lets get down to business.” Said The Hobo. “Were do you want to go’s?”
Tubly thought about this for a while.
“Paris” He decided.
“Ur... how bout’ somewer’ else?”
“I thought that box would take me ANY WERE.”
“When did you get that idea?” Scoffed The Hobo. “It’s a flying box, not magic!”
“Fine, then were’s the closest place to Paris that you can take me?”
The Hobo though about this for a moment.
“China.”
“China?!”
“Yes, China. Now, either I can take you to China or you could stay here. I only have a license for certain places on this thing, and I don’t want the Hobo Police pulling me ov’r again.”
“Fine, I’ll just stay here then!” Cried Tubly in exasperation, and he took the naturally awesome walking stick away from The Hobo and started to walk away.
“No, wait!” Yelled The Hobo. “I’ll make you a deal!”
Tubly turned around. “Yes?”
The Hobo sighed. “I’ll take you to Paris, but there’s a catch. First off, you gotta give me the walking stick of pure natural awesomlyness. Second, if you have to stay quiet. We need to sneak past the Hobo Police, so if yer’ yellin’, we’d be found ‘oot real fast. If the Hobo Police do happen to find us, crouch into the box as low as you can. If yer getten hit by one of ‘em hobo launchers, yer toast. You got it?”
Tubly nodded his face.
“Okay, let’s get goin’ then.”
The Hobo and Tubly went into the Box, crouched down, and fastened their seatbelts just in time. The Box took off at lighting speed.
“THIS BABY’S GOT SUM’ NICE GAS TANK ON ‘ER!” Screamed The Hobo over the engine. “ONLY BURNS FIVE BILLION GALLONS OF GAS EVERY INCH! ALSO GOT SUM’ PRETTY GEWD MILAGE!”
“WHAT?” Asked Tubly.
“I AGREE!” Answered The Hobo.
Suddenly Tubly saw red and blue lights blinking through the sky.
“OH CRAAAP!” Said The Hobo. “GET DOWN!”
Tubly saw one of the Hobo Police fly at them in a box with uzi’s stapled to the front of them. Bullets wizzed passed there heads and The Hobo fired back with his Ultimate Pancake Gun at there boxes, which blew up in flames.
“I GOT ONE!” Cheered The Hobo.
Then they started to use the hobo launchers. Tuble ducked just as he saw a hobo get shot towards him, and heard him wiz past over his head, singing the national anthem.
“Were... almost... there...” Stammered The Hobo.
“We... can... make it... AAAAHHH!”
A hobo from one of the hobo launchers penetrated the Box and they started to spiral downward.
“HOLD ON!” Cried The Hobo.
Then they crashed into Paris.

Tubly opened his eyes to find The Hobo peering over him.
“Ok, just checking to see if yer’ alive.” He said, and then jumped up into the sky and flew away.
“Oh.” Whined Tubly. “Now I’m alone!”
Then he realized something. “Something is wrong with my arm.” He thought. “It feels different.”
He looked down to see that someone had replaced his arm with a monkey arm.
“Crap. Now I have a monkey arm.”
He looked up slightly annoyed that someone had done that to him without knowing, but immediately forgot as he saw a sign hanging from one of the buildings. The sign read “The True Meaning of Love.”
No one else seemed to notice this strange sign, but instead were looking at him strangely.
“They must not be used to American’s here.” He said to himself. They were really looking at his monkey arm.
So, Tubly walked into the building’s huge doors, which shut when he entered. In the middle of the room was a note. Above the note was a stone engraved “Love” in 58,365,390 different languages. He walked up and picked up the note. He looked up to the heavens and asked: “Could this small parchment really hold all the secrets to the most powerful and binding feeling in the universe? The most mysterious of all feelings? The most famous of all feelings? What is love, O parchment?”
He opened the note and it read:
“LOVE IS WINDEX FOOL! WINDEX IS PURE LOVE! HOW ELSE COULD IT CLEAN WINDOWS SO WELL?!”
Then a one armed monkey came up from behind, slapped him in the face, ripped off his arm and shanked him with a knife.
“THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR TAKING MY ARM!” The monkey said as he super glued his arm back on.
Tubly Stumpelton kneeled over and blew up.